I am very frightened. I thought when I left the South to come to school I had escaped its evil reign.

It followed me. It stalked me up I-95. It came through on my television screen.

Jeff Gordon was selling Pepsi. NASCAR was invading my room.

I wanted to escape the evil car racing because I met too many people who took it seriously. They felt like NASCAR was a sport. The sports radio mentioned the outcome of things from Talladega speedway in the same breath as things from Fenway Park. They scared me. I tried to get away.

Since I cannot escape the evil grip of NASCAR, I will tell you the truth about it:

NASCAR is not a sport.

Sure, it's the fastest-growing spectator activity in the history of mankind, but it is not a sport.

I am scared of NASCAR and its fans. I firmly believe that every avid follower of NASCAR is a redneck.

It is extremely difficult for me to understand the entertainment value of watching guys drive around in circles. I know it is much more entertaining to be in the car when I am driving.

All NASCAR drivers do is put their foot on the accelerator and sometimes take their foot off the accelerator for 500 miles in a day. They stop every hour or so to get some gas and change some tires if they are worn down.

When I am driving 500 miles in a day, you want to be in my passenger seat. It is a rush that nothing at any redneck fest can emulate. I may not go as fast as NASCAR drivers, but I am awfully close.

I bet you that NASCAR drivers do not use as many hand gestures that I do. If any moron tries to pass me on the interstate, I gently nudge their car into a ditch or the oncoming traffic with my bumper. It is a question of my masculinity whether or not I can be in front of the traffic.

NASCAR drivers watch for yellow flags, while I watch for flashing lights. The race slows down when they see the flag, but when I see the lights things are just getting started. Talk about a race. Some cops give up pretty easily if you can get your car to top 150 mph.

Even if it is possible to get past the idea that all NASCAR drivers do is go in circles, it still isn't a sport.

If fans die at the event and the bodies are left covered in the stands, the event is not related to a sport. If the race continues even after a tire has flown into the crowd and slaughtered three people, then the race is a freak show and not an athletic challenge between competitors.

NASCAR is not as big a spectacle as wrestling-- but wrestling is more entertaining and there are also really hot women.

NASCAR is an outlet for one of the main male loves. We love machines. We love cars. The cars that go really fast around in circles are finely-tuned pieces of machinery. We love to grunt when those things sprint by. When we hear the motor rev up, it turns us on.

The next step for NASCAR is to act on how turned on we are. They need to have more scantily-clad women roaming the track. I think a strip bar should sponsor a car and put a picture of an attractive naked woman on the car. I would cheer for that driver. I only know the name of one driver, so I would hope Jeff Gordon would drive it so I wouldn't have to be bothered by learning another redneck's identity.

One last example of how pathetic NASCAR is: Jeff Gordon lost to a little girl who is infested with the voices of Satan and Aretha Franklin on a bike. She won the Pepsi.

I am still scared. Maybe if I go to school in Canada I will escape the inbred hold of the evil NASCAR.

by Gary Sonnenfeld, DFP Columnist